


"kidnapped by pirates" is good

by angelsaves



Category: Buzzfeed Unsolved (Web Series), Ruining History (Web Series)
Genre: Multi, Podfic Welcome
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-25
Updated: 2018-08-25
Packaged: 2019-07-02 04:55:04
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 814
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15789375
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/angelsaves/pseuds/angelsaves
Summary: Ryan is just minding his own business when the pirates kidnap him.





	"kidnapped by pirates" is good

**Author's Note:**

> there's a plot twist, which i have spoiled in the end notes.   
> title from [the song by the same name](http://www.tomsmithonline.com/lyrics/kidnapped_pirates_good.htm), courtesy of the marvelous celli  
> betaed by the wonderful mardia

Ryan is just minding his own business when the pirates kidnap him. The two of them -- one tall, one short; both wearing eyepatches, hoop earrings, and Jolly Roger-emblazoned hats, their lower faces swathed by red handkerchiefs -- take him by the elbows and hustle him towards their ship, and no one is there to hear him shout, "Hey! I'm being kidnapped by pirates! Help! Somebody!"

"Quiet, ye," says the taller of the two. "Until we get on the ship, at least."

Ryan quiets, since he doesn't want to get thrown overboard, but he gives the pirates his fiercest glare. They shove him into a wooden chair on the deck, and the shorter pirate grabs some rope and ties him: hands behind his back, ankles to the chair legs. "You'll never get away with this," Ryan says.

"Oh, ye think not, eh?" The taller pirate whips off his handkerchief mask, revealing the unmistakable features of the dread pirate Bloodhead. Ryan gasps; that must make his companion Starboard Sara, siren of the high seas.

She removes her mask as well. "We might let ye go, if ye give us what we want," Starboard Sara says.

"Never!"

"Oh, I bet we can convince ye," Bloodhead says, and oh, God, he's got a knife in his hand. He takes the neck of Ryan's shirt in one hand, pulling it away from his skin, and slices through the fabric with the knife. The shirt gapes open; Starboard Sara slides it off Ryan's shoulders, baring him to the waist. He gasps as the sea air hits his skin.

"Still think ye'll never talk?" she asks in his ear.

"I'd rather walk the plank!" Ryan snaps.

"Ye say that, but I think we can be more persuasive yet." Bloodhead puts away the knife and gets down on his knees in front of Ryan, settling his palms on Ryan's thighs.

Ryan turns his head to the side, trying to avoid Bloodhead's gaze, but Starboard Sara cups his cheeks in her hands, forcing him to face the pirate.

"Tell us what we want to know," Bloodhead says, running those huge hands up Ryan's thighs to the crease where they meet his groin. "Or I'll start with yer trousers."

"Ye won't be able to resist then," Starboard Sara says. She loosens her iron grip on his face just enough to caress the side of his neck, a light brush of fingertips.

Ryan shudders and tries to hide it, but Bloodhead laughs. "Ye're not made of stone," he says. "Ye'll break eventually."

"Never!" Ryan squirms in his bonds, but they were tied well, and nothing is going to hide the fact that the pirates' touches are making his cock stir.

"We'll see." Bloodhead opens Ryan's fly and pulls his cock free, then blows lightly on the head. Ryan's not proud of the noise that escapes him; Bloodhead's expression is smug.

"I'll never tell --" Ryan cuts himself off with a groan as the pirate swallows his cock down unceremoniously, just slick hot wetness and pressure. At the same time, Starboard Sara's wandering hands reach his nipples and tweak them. Ryan cries out, his hips jerking forward.

"Mmph," says Bloodhead, and he pinches Ryan's hip.

"Sorry," Ryan says automatically, then, "Wait! No! You're a pirate, I'm not sorry!" Behind him, Starboard Sara makes a muffled snorting sound. He turns and scowls at her. "Pirate!" he repeats.

Bloodhead, apparently recovered, goes back to sucking Ryan off, while Starboard Sara keeps on playing with his nipples. He'd never noticed how sensitive they could be before this. He tries to resist -- he's stronger than this, he is! -- but it's not long before the onslaught of pleasure takes over. Ryan clenches his hands together behind his back, balls tightening. Just in time, Bloodhead pulls off, and Ryan stripes his face with jizz.

"Now you have to change your name to _Cumhead_ ," Starboard Sara says, and laughs.

"Squaddly-squoop, there it goes," Shane says, wiping his face carefully with the sleeve of his loose shirt. Ryan got him right in the eyepatch. "Scene over. How was it for you, Ryan?"

"Pretty awesome," Ryan says. He squirms. "Sara, would you untie me?"

"Sure thing." She does, then plants a kiss on him. "You're the best captive I've ever had."

"You weren't awful," Shane agrees, which is high praise, coming from him.

"Thanks, guys," Ryan says, rubbing the back of his neck. "I, uh..."

Shane gets up, knees popping, and leans down to kiss Ryan too. "See what happens when you ask for what you want? You just might get it."

"Hmm. Fucked up if true."

"Guess we'll have to keep testing it," Sara says.

"Until then," Shane says, "it'll have to remain... _unsolved_."

Ryan wheezes. "That was terrible!"

" _Arrrrr_ ful," Sara agrees, and Ryan laughs so hard he has to put his head in his hands. He really does love these losers, is the thing.

**Author's Note:**

> ROLEPLAY \o/


End file.
